The Best Marriage Advice You’ll Ever Need

This post was originally titled: “The Best Way To Wake Up in the Morning And Guarantee a Good Day Does Not Require Any Coffee:  My Secret Weapon”

On 12/19/2012 I changed it to: “The Best Marriage Advice You’ll Ever Need” because people had no clue that some of the best marriage advice you’ll find was hidden inside.

To be clear, it wasn’t always this way. We used to fight all the time. Things are better now, as you can see…

On to the original post:

Here is a glimpse into my secret weapon that guarantees I’ll be having a good day.  I’d love to know:  What is your secret weapon?

First, a little background about my own secret weapon…

This is a conversation I had with Dan a few days ago, written in sequence:

It’s a Saturday morning after a very long week.  After waking up at 10:29am, I shuffled out to the kitchen in a hazy stupor to get some tea fixed.  As much as I love coffee, tea was necessary because it was going to be faster than making a pot of coffee.

Since Dan had the last bit of coffee left in his cup, he jumps in and says, “Here… let me fix that for you!”  (noting his exuberance)

As he fixes the tea, he’s asking me questions.  I can’t connect the dots because:

• A) I just woke up and
• B) I haven’t had my tea, let alone any coffee.

I explain to him that I must have been really tired to have slept that long, sorry I can’t answer his questions until I wake up or at least have two minutes to process the information before my mouth is supposed to kick in, and oh-by-the-way-thanks-for-making-my-tea.

(Can you tell that I do not function well in the morning, especially if my brain is being overloaded?)  Continuing on…

Dan, now making small talk:  “By the way, when I got up the back porch light was on, the front door was unlocked, and the downstairs door was unlocked AND downstairs light was on.”

Torrey’s Note:  You have to know he is a stickler for anyone wasting energy because we live on such a fixed income. (He is also known to open the door to the very bathroom I am using, slide his hand in far enough to shut off the light and leave me there doing my business in the dark.) He is also super hyper-vigilant about keeping his family safe (BUT he will happily leave the car unlocked when we go to town, with his wallet in it, AND leave the windows down.  The irony!).

Me:  “That’s weird, I could have sworn I locked the front door.  You used the back door so I didn’t think to check it, and I must have been really tired and not noticed the light still on.  Sorry about that.  BUT, look at the bright side!  The good news is…no axe murderers came to our house last night.”

Dan:  “It’s on-ly a matter of ti-ime!”  (with a schniggly grin on his face).  (Yes, I just made that word up, as it is the best description of that grin on his face combined with the tone of his voice.)

Naturally, I laughed.

We go on the back porch to sip our coffee/tea combos….

Me:  “What time did you wake up, honey?

Dan:  “Oh, about 6:30am.”

Me:  “Wow, you’ve been up for four hours without laying back down again?  That’s like, a record for you.  I’d go as far to say that it is a marathon for you!”

Dan:  “Well, I thought about laying back down mid-morning, but that was about the time you opened the door to let Miko out of the room.  I wanted to make sure you got some good, quality sleep so I just made sure the door was latched tightly.  That way she wouldn’t come back in the room to wake you up again.  I wasn’t going to let that door open for any reason to risk waking you up!”

Me:  “Awww, that’s so sweet of you.  But honey, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come into your own room and snuggle with me while I sleep in.  Next time remember that I want you to come back to bed if you are tired, okay?”

Dan:  “Well, I know how tired you’ve been lately and I love you.  I just wanted to give you some sleep so you are well rested.  You deserve that and it’s the least I could do.”

Me, feeling absolutely loved to the core:  “You must love me.  Thank you.”

Dan, kicking in his schniggly grin again:  “Yeah, my girlfriends get upset about it, but that’s just the truth.  I love you more than anything.”

Naturally, I laughed.

A few moments of silence pass as we admire the scenery extending from our porch.  Silence between us is comfortable, but he broke it with a new thought…

Dan: “We should take the kids and go to the gym today.”

Me, knowing how hard it is for Dan to not only think up a plan to put into action, let alone actually LEAVING our house to do it:  “Wow, you sure are energetic today.  You’ve been up for four hours already, and you want to go to the gym?  I’d say you are almost bouncy right now.  What got into you?”

Dan:  “I dunno.”  (He proceeds to do a little booty shake for effect.  It was adorable.)

Naturally, I laughed.  I am almost perplexed!

Me:  “Oh, wait…I know what it is.  I was gone for a little bit yesterday and you must have had your girlfriends over while I wasn’t here.  That MUST be it!”

Dan:  (laughs) “Okay, I’m busted.  Actually, I think it was the half sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies I ate for breakfast!”

Me:  “Ah, so that’s the problem.  Sounds like we need to go to the gym after all!”

Moral of the story and what the secret weapon is:

Breaking the conversation down further, there are many morals to this story.  There are also multiple secret weapons.  Can you identify with any of them?  The answers will follow at the end of this post.

Dan has PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and a TBI (traumatic brain injury), which makes him physically and mentally depleted on any given day.  When his PTSD is bad, his TBI symptoms become worse.  When his TBI symptoms become worse, his PTSD becomes more pronounced.  It also means he can be a total pain in the ass about his hypervigilence, especially when it doesn’t make sense from one day to the next and doesn’t follow logic to anyone on the outside, let alone to me.

Some days (if not most) he cannot leave the house.  He becomes physically ill if he even thinks about leaving his safe haven.  His home is his sanctuary.

Life is hard on any given day.  Everyone’s life is hard to some degree, others even more.  Ours just happens to be exceptionally hard, but you’d probably never know it by reading this blog.

Answer to The Moral of the Story and My Secret Weapon:  Instead of nagging him about his need to being more active, why he should be sleeping less, or getting frustrated when he leaves all the plans up to me to initiate and get done, I praise him for the times he is productive, shows some initiative, and for keeping a sense of humor about it all.  I have learned to embrace his good days and let go of the bad.  I learned that the husband I once had is no longer here, so I love the husband I have at this moment.

There used to be a day that he would send me flowers for no reason, at which point I’d feel loved.  I had to hear the words, “I love you” in order to believe I was loved.  Now a gesture of him offering to get me coffee or making sure the dog doesn’t disturb me when I am tired means so much more than any tangible words or gifts.  Hearing those words is just icing on the cake.

There also used to be a day when infidelity touched our marriage.  That marriage is gone.  We have a new marriage that we live in.  It does not consist of jealousy, nor of emasculation or sense to needing control, nor of a lack of affection toward one another.  Intimacy now exists outside of our bedroom, even if it is nontraditional.  We do not own each other.  We are best friends before anything else.

We call our day-to-day life our “new normal.”  We accept it for what it is, we live in the moment as best we can, and we do it side by side.

My secret weapon is this:  I lightened up and let go.  I appreciate his ways of showing his love for me.  We laugh to defray the stress of our days.  Above all else, we LOVE.

Have you had a good day today?  If not, do you think you can identify why?  What are your secret weapons to guarantee having the best day you can have?  Please comment below…I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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